The Life of a Goldfish

I recently thought about how exciting it would be to get a pet. The last pet I had was a bitch. The krazy little K-9 I speak of... well, her name was Nikki. She was a little white fluffy mess. Her father's name was Snowball and her mother's name was Gloria. What these two fur balls produced was really a work of art. What other animal on this earth would eat used tissues like it was candy and poop behind the TV where no one could reach? Nikki lived an astounding 13 years. By that point she was blind, diabetic, and constantly had headaches from bumping into walls and legs of chairs with the front of her head. To conclude her fantastic little life, she ended up committing suicide on Christmas Eve. She decided to eat an entire box of chocolates which instantly put her into a diabetic shock and minutes later... killed her. Some people joke around and say it was, "death by chocolate." How long did it take you to figure out your sooo clever, huh? Others say and I agree, that she knew her time was up and wanted one last great meal before heading off to doggie heaven.

Whenever the holidays come around, we remember Nikki and her chocolate suicide. I tend to think about getting another pet. What I thought about recently was the childhood favorite: The Goldfish. If you think about it, goldfish must be the lamest, most morose pet one could own. If you are feeling depressed and want to die but do not think you can go through with it, get a goldfish... this will surely make you pull the trigger... or jump depending on your beliefs on splattering. I will now break down the life of a goldfish for you.

• Day One: Goldfish seems content in new environment and likes resting near fake coral. Goldfish is mostly pleased that it is not swimming around in a plastic bag any longer.

• Day Two: Goldfish is now extremely desperate and has insane tendencies. This is a surprise to you because you have been feeding it properly, however, Goldfish looks like he hates you as you try to feed him. As you watch it growing tired, the only movements it is making now is to eat it's own feces.

• Day Three: Goldfish has died from exhaustion and lay floating at the surface.

If you want an easy pet, try sea monkeys... at least you will not be able to see it when they die.