The Gym: An Adult Playground

I recently joined a gym near my apartment and realized why I am a quasi-gym goer. You know what I mean... I am the type that joins a gym, works out steadily for a month or so and then reverts back to my usual ways of eating as much cookie dough as I can while watching full seasons of TV shows on DVD within a 24 hour time frame.

I realized this when I looked around the gym last night and noticed the strangeness of human beings in pure fitness mode. I am not cut out for it because I think I am a logical person. Too much testosterone takes away from rational thought. In addition, I think it is a falsehood that people go to the gym to actually partake in "fitness." I believe the gym acts more as a watering hole for people who normally don't think highly of themselves to feel like they are A Number 1, top of the list, king of the hill... A Number 1. I must say, not all people at the gym are there for vanity purposes. Like myself, there are a handful of people you barely notice that are actually doing proper physical fitness exercises that benefit the body internally. If you are unsure which category you fit into, I have created a list that classifies whether or not you are a gym tourist (one who is there for the sights and sounds and cares more about the "meat" than the "head").

You might be a gym tourist if...

1) When you fart, a small dust cloud of protein powder shoots from your butt.

2) You wear bright pink tank tops with the "Body Glove" logo on the front.

3) At any point you look in the mirror, you smile at yourself.

4) You legally change your name to "Ice."

5) You use the water fountain more than 10 times in one workout.

6) You wear a grey Everlast sweatshirt that hangs past your shoulders.

7) You are wearing diamond stud earrings.

8) Your hair does not move while you are working out.

9) You use the word, "bro" when talking to either sex.

10) You make it a point to yell loudly at the end of each set.

11) At any point, you ask if there is a tanning salon on the premises.

12) You throw weights in the air after a set and let them drop violently to the ground so everyone has to look.

13) You have noticeable veins in your face.

14) You walk around breathing heavily wiping fake sweat off your face and look puzzled about which machine you should use next.

15) You have a second job at GNC.

16) You carry around a binder to document your workout routine.

17) You bring a lufa into the shower.

18) You are wearing spandex, leg warmers, and 1982 high top Reebok sneakers, and/or any combination of the three.

19) You bring your own boom box to workout to, rather than investing in an iPod.

20) You are training for an audition for the next season of American Gladiators.

21) After a workout, you immediately light up a cigarette as you leave.

This list does not necessarily classify those who fit the gym tourist description, however, this list does document those we love to hate. Please be conscious if you are doing one or more of the above. Guys, I hope you understand... some muscles (body parts) don't get any bigger by working out regularly.... in fact, they actually look smaller the bigger your body gets (wink wink). The gym is like a playground... establish yourself as the strongest, not the prettiest, and you will cut the line for the slide every time.