The Montauk Monster

Ok, so without further adieu, I bring you my first posting. I'm just going to get right into it and discuss my favorite topic of last week... The Montauk Monster. This picture magically circulated through my office at work and made me the happiest man in the world. I mean, how can you not love something as ugly as this. Many people have put up arguments on what this creature could possibly be. Some say it's a turtle without a shell. Some experts are sure that it's a raccoon. Others tend to believe it's a dog and the wear and tear of the ocean currents have eroded it's face off. Face.... off.

It gets me excited to know how this creature was discovered. Apparently, three young innocent girls were taking a stroll down the shore when the "Gatekeeper of Gozer the Destructor," washed up and lay there lifeless and gruesome. I can imagine it now... the three girls strolling in the sand, talking about how they had their first french kiss a couple weeks ago, how much money each of their parents spent on a new car, and how they will be trying out for "High School Musical" next year... and suddenly, a deformed and decaying mutant lies wet and unmoving right at their feet. I highly doubt these girls will grow up to be successful now. They will be lucky if they can even lead a normal life with the hours upon hours of sleep they are going to lose over this.

The best explanation I heard so far is that, "it is obviously a griffin." For those who are are wondering what a griffin is, it can best be described as having the body of a lion and the head and wings of an eagle. Often a mythical creature, now making it's home on the shores of Long Island. Whatever it is, it's definitely ugly, but strangely compelling at the same time. I'm sure it would make excellent dinner conversation and the kids could definitely have fun tossing it around in the backyard. But how do we attract the Montauk Monster?

A co-worker of mine and I discussed possible ways to attract such a beautiful beast into your surroundings. All you will need is some honey and phlegm. According to a legend that is only 3 days old, the Montauk Monster, like bears, really really enjoy honey. I suggest all natural Glorybee Honey... that should do the trick. Set up designated areas around the backyard where you can place honey-soaked nerf footballs around. Next, is the waiting game. It may take a while, depending on the time of the day, but the "MM" will soon make it's way towards these honey footballs. I forgot to mention earlier that it is imperative that you use nerf footballs, because the MM's teeth are very weak due to erosion. Moving forward, while you are waiting, find someone who either smokes or has a cold. You will need them when the Montuak Monster arrives. Now, within one hour of placing the honey-soaked nerf footballs around the house, you should start to smell something horrific. This is the Montauk monster. You will know it when you smell it, it smells worse than anything you can ever imagine. Now, once you get the slightest hint of his scent, quietly gesture over your friend or family member who smokes (or has a cold). Because the monster's mating call is the sound of somebody coughing up phlegm, you will need them to do so, directly after you think it's close by. Try not to let your phlegmish friend spit anything out, because you will be left with no phlegm and it could take a long time, depending on the MM's mood... you will need as much loog as you can muster up. As the Montauk Monster hears the coughing, it will come closer... close enough to realize there are honey-soaked nerf footballs around (it's favorite!). Once the Montauk Monster starts chewing on the footballs, they become extremely overjoyed and friendly and do not mind if you put a leash on them. Also, it has been dead and lifeless for weeks, so there is little chance it will actually attack you.

There you have it, your guide to capturing your very own Montauk Monster! Trust me, they are a billion times more fulfilling than sea monkeys or chia-pets. To extend the lifetime of your Montauk Monster, place them in a large bucket of solution: 50% honey, 20% vinegar, 20% saline solution, and 10% Vick's vapor rub. Good luck!

Introducing the Modern Man

The time it takes for one to realize who he or she really "is" can take anywhere from one second to one lifetime. Sometimes this realization never occurs at all. However, it seems to be evident in our modern world today, that we all strive for a certain understanding of who and what we are, and why we were put here. To find comfort in a chosen identity means a number of things. Sometimes (most of the times) people go through many identity changes until they find that perfect role and they can finally say "I'm happy about who I am." This happens in high school a lot. I'll never forget it. High school was the only setting where I can remember seeing a white dude wearing Timberlands and baggy jeans, talking about the latest Wu-Tang album, "Wu-Tang Forever," and using words like, " whaddup son," and "that shit is dope kid." The very next day, the same guy would be wearing over-sized Jnco jeans, a chain wallet, and a Marilyn Manson T-shirt swearing his parents are going to be getting separated soon, so total anarchy is the only safe bet.

High school was amazing for this. Even I fell powerless to the gods of popular culture and I made it a point to do whatever it took to fit in. The amount of Abercrombie T-shirts and J-Crew sweaters that were given away to Goodwill makes me want to vomit. However, there is something to be said about what high school taught us. That is, no one finds their true identity in times of utter disaster. Only when you are free from judgment, can you find that sense of cohesiveness you always looked for growing up. This usually occurs after college... when you have no time to think about anything and you work a lot, play a little, and for the first time in your life actually have some rational thoughts. This may not apply to everyone, but for most of us out there who are always searching for something more... I'll give you some advice. There is nothing more. What you search for lies in this moment right now. If you are reading this right now, it is possible your life is changing for the better. On the flipside, this blog may make you dumber than you were before. Either way, my intentions are to make you laugh, cry, love, and hate. I want to stir up emotions you thought you never had, so you don't have to be afraid of change.

I seem to change every 3 years or so. I change my thoughts on life, my thoughts on love, and my thoughts on fashion. More importantly, I have not lived in the same location either for more than 3 years. I get bored easily and the unknown makes me smile. I will let you into my head based on one condition: THAT YOU MAKE YOURSELF A BETTER PERSON AFTER READING MY BLOGS. That's it... very simple, I think.

This will give insight into the mind of the modern man. I will write about different things, including reviews on the best male body wash or how to spend your money foolishly (both of which I know very well). I will argue and sometimes agree with decision makers. I will talk about back pain and why penguins are awesome. Essentially, these are essays on the absurdity of reality. Don't fasten your seat-belt... a fine red wine will come in handy now and then. Now introducing... The Mind of The Modern Man.