The Montauk Monster

Ok, so without further adieu, I bring you my first posting. I'm just going to get right into it and discuss my favorite topic of last week... The Montauk Monster. This picture magically circulated through my office at work and made me the happiest man in the world. I mean, how can you not love something as ugly as this. Many people have put up arguments on what this creature could possibly be. Some say it's a turtle without a shell. Some experts are sure that it's a raccoon. Others tend to believe it's a dog and the wear and tear of the ocean currents have eroded it's face off. Face.... off.

It gets me excited to know how this creature was discovered. Apparently, three young innocent girls were taking a stroll down the shore when the "Gatekeeper of Gozer the Destructor," washed up and lay there lifeless and gruesome. I can imagine it now... the three girls strolling in the sand, talking about how they had their first french kiss a couple weeks ago, how much money each of their parents spent on a new car, and how they will be trying out for "High School Musical" next year... and suddenly, a deformed and decaying mutant lies wet and unmoving right at their feet. I highly doubt these girls will grow up to be successful now. They will be lucky if they can even lead a normal life with the hours upon hours of sleep they are going to lose over this.

The best explanation I heard so far is that, "it is obviously a griffin." For those who are are wondering what a griffin is, it can best be described as having the body of a lion and the head and wings of an eagle. Often a mythical creature, now making it's home on the shores of Long Island. Whatever it is, it's definitely ugly, but strangely compelling at the same time. I'm sure it would make excellent dinner conversation and the kids could definitely have fun tossing it around in the backyard. But how do we attract the Montauk Monster?

A co-worker of mine and I discussed possible ways to attract such a beautiful beast into your surroundings. All you will need is some honey and phlegm. According to a legend that is only 3 days old, the Montauk Monster, like bears, really really enjoy honey. I suggest all natural Glorybee Honey... that should do the trick. Set up designated areas around the backyard where you can place honey-soaked nerf footballs around. Next, is the waiting game. It may take a while, depending on the time of the day, but the "MM" will soon make it's way towards these honey footballs. I forgot to mention earlier that it is imperative that you use nerf footballs, because the MM's teeth are very weak due to erosion. Moving forward, while you are waiting, find someone who either smokes or has a cold. You will need them when the Montuak Monster arrives. Now, within one hour of placing the honey-soaked nerf footballs around the house, you should start to smell something horrific. This is the Montauk monster. You will know it when you smell it, it smells worse than anything you can ever imagine. Now, once you get the slightest hint of his scent, quietly gesture over your friend or family member who smokes (or has a cold). Because the monster's mating call is the sound of somebody coughing up phlegm, you will need them to do so, directly after you think it's close by. Try not to let your phlegmish friend spit anything out, because you will be left with no phlegm and it could take a long time, depending on the MM's mood... you will need as much loog as you can muster up. As the Montauk Monster hears the coughing, it will come closer... close enough to realize there are honey-soaked nerf footballs around (it's favorite!). Once the Montauk Monster starts chewing on the footballs, they become extremely overjoyed and friendly and do not mind if you put a leash on them. Also, it has been dead and lifeless for weeks, so there is little chance it will actually attack you.

There you have it, your guide to capturing your very own Montauk Monster! Trust me, they are a billion times more fulfilling than sea monkeys or chia-pets. To extend the lifetime of your Montauk Monster, place them in a large bucket of solution: 50% honey, 20% vinegar, 20% saline solution, and 10% Vick's vapor rub. Good luck!