Socks' Plot

Socks' Plot

For some reason, my socks dislike me. This
is their story.

Sock 1: I hate John and everything he lives for.

Sock 2: Me too, we should brainstorm ways to make his life completely miserable.

Sock 3: I have a few ideas up my tube, we'll discuss it the next time we are being laundered.

Sock 1: Sounds good to me!

Sock 2: Do I really have to wait? What if John is having one of his "lazy" weeks? I really, really hate him.

Sock 3: Don't worry about it, the end result will be legendary (sock makes sinister laugh).

I'm down to one last pair of tighty whities that I refuse
to wear, so I do laundry.

Sock 3: Okay boys, this is it...once he closes the washing machine door and we start to soak... I will tell you what separates men from the boys.

Sock 1: I hate John and want to contribute anything I can to destroy his happiness.

Sock 2: John totally sucks.

Sock 3: Agreed.

Sock 1: Sock 3, the door's closed... let's hear what you have to say!

Sock 3: Okay, but first off, let me tell you guys something... you are all brave socks. Some of you...I've known since the college days and some I've only known for a couple weeks. All in all, we must do whatever it takes to make sure John becomes extremely depressed and angry, because we despise him more than anything in the universe. This is the Socks' Creed. This means we might lose a couple of you. Some of us will make it out alive and some of us will not. You are all brothers to me, especially you Right Nike Ankle Sock...my actual twin. We have been through it all and I know both of us are doing this for the improvement of our society. We've made a great pair, but now it's go time... give him hell.

Sock 2: Oh my God, I can't stand John...If I had hands I would try to murder him...what's the game plan?

Sock 3: Okay, here goes... upon entering the dryer... we must all do whatever it takes to escape and leave John with either one sock missing from the pair or no socks at all. On my signal, some of you stick yourselves to the top or the sides of the washing machine... hopefully John will not notice you. While he moves us to the dryer, some of you try to slip through his hands and blend in with the floor. At this moment, you will be very dizzy because you will have been spinning for about half hour or so...

Boxer: Hey guys, I couldn't help but overhear you talking about how much you hate John. Me and the rest of the boxers want to make him cry also....

Sock 3: STAY OUT OF THIS BOXERS! THIS IS OUR FIGHT!!! Now as I was saying... for all of those who make it to the dryer, it will be up to you to do whatever you can as a last ditch effort to make John want to hurt himself and use bad language. You can do this a number of ways. One, whilst tumbling, slip into the drying vent and be gone forever. Two, leap from his hands as he's unloading and slip in between the washing machine and the dryer where it will be impossible to be found. Three, just disappear.

Sock 1: Whoa...whoa... wait a second... what do you mean just disappear?

Sock 3: Well... I've never actually seen this happen, but apparently we do have the power to just disappear when we want to.

Sock 2: Ummm...if you don't mind me asking... why don't we all just disappear than?

Sock 3: Because it would be too obvious Sock 2... and then our mysterious ways will no longer be one of the greatest kept secrets of all time!

Sock 1: Ohhh, ok... got it.

Sock 3: Men, as you know... our goal is to make John hate his life... but the greater goal here is to one day all be united again...one society, living freely on Planet Sock. Some of you have been dreaming of making it there since you were woven. Now is our time. Now is our calling. I wish you men the best of luck. Okay...ready... one, two, threeeeeee...

As I was folding my laundry later that day,
I cursed seven times.

Shortest Post Ever!

"I don't like bananas, therefore, I am evolving faster than you. You can't argue with science." -Modern Man

Despite our genetic differences, we have a lot in common after all.

Greatest Song Lyrics Ever: Agree or Disagree?

Lord Jazz cuts and scratches 'Chief Rocka'*

Verse One:

Mr. Funke Boom shaka laka yo here comes the Chief Rocka Rock it down so jump up off the tip you're not my nucca For sharper type to battle make the people say ooh ahh Think I won't curse I'll break down and say puta ?Hey madrigon sesa me bichafi mi chocha? Say what I want because I'm that type of guy Now fam a lam I'll be damned, slam jams the weak Could it be the skunk weed that makes us oh so funky? Now hold it let me choose, couldn't be the booze No it's the shoes (the shoes?) It's gotta be the shoes! Cause girlies, they clock, they stand around and jock so I say boom shaka lak, grab the microphone then rock ?To think I'm the troop, when on the mic? ?I'll say it, it ain't the shows kid? ?Like drunk and a grump and sound over some uhhhh!? The Cat in the Hat and the mouse ran up the stairs "That doesn't make no sense!" C'mon who cares? See even without the gift there's yours so don't be tryin to knock me I say what I want to say, as long it sounds funk Some MC's wanted to buy me, so they try to take stands But they don't understand, I'm the motherfuckin man I amaze and astound, rhythm up and down Smack a group of them around, let them know who wears the crown Who's-the-tip-of-the-top, the-cream-of-the-crop, the-best-under-the-sun? I'm the Lord Chief Rocka, number one, Mr. Funke, uhh

*Lord Jazz cuts 'The Lord Chief Rocka, number one, Chief Rocka' 8X*

Verse Two:

DoItAll Well umm, boom, shak-a-lak, I got the flavors, the funk Whew! And it's smellin up the hip-hop A little bit of this, a little bit of that Mixed a, little of this, and now I gotta rap I'm the, Chief Rocka, so I guess I am in charge I freak it with a twist so you'll boom it in your cars I'm the, one with the flow and the grip like G.I. Joe I snatch, I grab, and then I grab the dough, see if I was an Indian I'd still be the Chief The only other difference I'd smoke weed in a leaf To the hip, the hop, to the hibby to the hibbidy hip-hop, oh no, I don't wanna go pop! I got, too much soul, rhythm and blues R&B ya see, all that's cool, but hip-hop and rap yeah that's where my heart's at Even back when I used to break on a box Backspins for backspin, even while I'm rappin Before I had a record, I always kept em clappin Freestylin on the block, now I Chief Rock I always entertain, by diggin in my crux My brain, so if it's gonna rain let it rain I spook you with the hit, make you jump like House of Pain Boogaloo boogaloo, shake and jump And remember, remember, Chief Rocka won't front

*Lord Jazz cuts 'The Lord Chief Rocka, number one Chief Rocka' 4X*

Verse Three:

DoItAll, Mr. Funke [DIA] Ay Mr. Funke [MrF] Whassup? [DIA] Can I get assistance? [MrF] For what? [DIA] For what? Yo Jazz, flex a cut Well back is the backer, I'm chillin with my knocker And if ya got beef, then you can live with Jimmy Hoffa like [duo] what goes up, must come down [DIA] But not me clown I cut em, crack a speaker when I'm pumpin So jump in, and watch your earrrs start hummin through the block, and don't forget to boom shak shak-a-lak [MrF] Well damn DoItAll can I rock? I hear a beat I grab the mic, and then I start this workin The kids around the way used to think that I was buggin But they don't understand how I feel about the funk I walk with the funk, I talk with the funk I eat with the funk, I sleep
with the funk I live for the funk, I'll die for the funk So now what do they say, when I'm walkin up the block? Boom shaka laka there goes the Chief Rocka *Lord Jazz does his thing again until fade

This was the first song on side B of the greatest mixtape I ever made.

Random Facts and Mysteries of Substance

Here are ten random facts and mysteries from my journal, or as the Pilgrims like to call it, "book to write inside of when not sober."

1. I would like to see 2 teams of homeless people play flag football against each other using 2 dollar bills as the flags.
2. I feel that the other planets in our solar system are under-represented in the Miss Universe pageant. Why doesn't Mars host it for once?
3. Broccoli is environmentally-conscious cauliflower.
4. If you're going to paint a portrait of your life, paint it in whiteout so you can do it all over again.
5. I only wear my board shorts when I'm on the boardwalk, my trunks when I climb a tree, my bathing suit when I'm in the tub, and my speedos when I'm in a rush.
6. Never put a 2 and an 8 together...they're wild and crazy.
7. Our arteries communicate with each other using bloodcell phones.
8. The man who invented the walkie talkie was sued by a 2 year old. The toddler claimed the inventor stole his his entire vocabulary to name his invention.
9. A frog's favorite day is February 29th.
10. How would you be able to tell if a hyena thought you were funny?
    

Much Love,
John

Pickups of the Week

This is a new installment I like to call "Pickups of the Week." Every week I will be sending all you kids out there new and interesting things to buy, listen to, read, play with, poop on, eat, etc...

If you're like me, you don't like having other people tell you what to do or "what's cool." However, I assure you, pickups of the week are designed to instigate pleasure for all types of people. Use at your own discretion.
Pickups of the Week, December 10th, 2008

1. Men's Neutrogena "Invigorating" Face Wash. This swagger soap will surely get your day started the right way. Leaves the face smooth, clean, and scented nicely. There's some kind of agent in it that makes your face tingle/burn for 20 seconds after use. They call this invigorating... I call this, "get your ass to work!"
2. Ice Skates. Last night I went skating at Rockefeller Center with a holiday party. I was a little skeptical about hitting the ice at first because of the amount of booze that was in my blood and I had my favorite work pants on, however, after a really cute girl named Nikki from Delaware called me a wussy... I decided to give it a shot. I lasted 15 minutes, no falls, and it was actually a lot of fun!
3. The Phone! Pick it up! Call somebody... anybody. Researchers have concluded that social interaction between friends or family is essential for a healthy lifestyle. I always call my mom on her day off during the week and it's always music to my ears and it reminds me where I come from. Girls, you might not have a problem with this because phones are attached to your ears, but guys... I'm only asking for 5 minutes!
4. Fleet Foxes. This 5 piece band from Seattle is starting to make some waves in some very calm waters. Melodic and breezy, the Fleet Foxes will give you hope and assure you that there's still talented musicians out there. They describe their songs as, ""baroque harmonic pop jams." Listen and enjoy.
5. Salmon. I know, we are reminded every day how good salmon is for you. The Omega 3 fatty acids and all that jazz. However, salmon is one of the best things you can put in your body, as the fatty acids from this pink fish elevate brain function, help clear out your bloodstream of toxins, reduce levels of LDL cholesterol, assist in the formation of new DNA, and has been known to reduce depression. Try this: a little salt and pepper on both sides, lemon juice, white wine, and butter... throw her in the oven for about 10 minutes or so (depending on how you like your fish cooked and your done. Serve with some sauteed escarole and pour the sauce over everything... you'll be swimming upstream for days! If you hate fish... get the Omega 3 pills.
6. Flameless Candles. Holidays are coming around and this would be a great gift for anyone (guys, it's ok to have candles in your room... the ladies will be impressed that you have a softer side). These candles have a little switch that when you turn on, mimics the flame of a real candle. They are battery-powered and reasonably priced. Some even come scented! Wooooooohoooo! Turn these on at night and never worry about burning to death!

Don't worry, the week's almost over. Be good.

~John

The Gym: An Adult Playground

I recently joined a gym near my apartment and realized why I am a quasi-gym goer. You know what I mean... I am the type that joins a gym, works out steadily for a month or so and then reverts back to my usual ways of eating as much cookie dough as I can while watching full seasons of TV shows on DVD within a 24 hour time frame.

I realized this when I looked around the gym last night and noticed the strangeness of human beings in pure fitness mode. I am not cut out for it because I think I am a logical person. Too much testosterone takes away from rational thought. In addition, I think it is a falsehood that people go to the gym to actually partake in "fitness." I believe the gym acts more as a watering hole for people who normally don't think highly of themselves to feel like they are A Number 1, top of the list, king of the hill... A Number 1. I must say, not all people at the gym are there for vanity purposes. Like myself, there are a handful of people you barely notice that are actually doing proper physical fitness exercises that benefit the body internally. If you are unsure which category you fit into, I have created a list that classifies whether or not you are a gym tourist (one who is there for the sights and sounds and cares more about the "meat" than the "head").

You might be a gym tourist if...

1) When you fart, a small dust cloud of protein powder shoots from your butt.

2) You wear bright pink tank tops with the "Body Glove" logo on the front.

3) At any point you look in the mirror, you smile at yourself.

4) You legally change your name to "Ice."

5) You use the water fountain more than 10 times in one workout.

6) You wear a grey Everlast sweatshirt that hangs past your shoulders.

7) You are wearing diamond stud earrings.

8) Your hair does not move while you are working out.

9) You use the word, "bro" when talking to either sex.

10) You make it a point to yell loudly at the end of each set.

11) At any point, you ask if there is a tanning salon on the premises.

12) You throw weights in the air after a set and let them drop violently to the ground so everyone has to look.

13) You have noticeable veins in your face.

14) You walk around breathing heavily wiping fake sweat off your face and look puzzled about which machine you should use next.

15) You have a second job at GNC.

16) You carry around a binder to document your workout routine.

17) You bring a lufa into the shower.

18) You are wearing spandex, leg warmers, and 1982 high top Reebok sneakers, and/or any combination of the three.

19) You bring your own boom box to workout to, rather than investing in an iPod.

20) You are training for an audition for the next season of American Gladiators.

21) After a workout, you immediately light up a cigarette as you leave.

This list does not necessarily classify those who fit the gym tourist description, however, this list does document those we love to hate. Please be conscious if you are doing one or more of the above. Guys, I hope you understand... some muscles (body parts) don't get any bigger by working out regularly.... in fact, they actually look smaller the bigger your body gets (wink wink). The gym is like a playground... establish yourself as the strongest, not the prettiest, and you will cut the line for the slide every time.

The Life of a Goldfish

I recently thought about how exciting it would be to get a pet. The last pet I had was a bitch. The krazy little K-9 I speak of... well, her name was Nikki. She was a little white fluffy mess. Her father's name was Snowball and her mother's name was Gloria. What these two fur balls produced was really a work of art. What other animal on this earth would eat used tissues like it was candy and poop behind the TV where no one could reach? Nikki lived an astounding 13 years. By that point she was blind, diabetic, and constantly had headaches from bumping into walls and legs of chairs with the front of her head. To conclude her fantastic little life, she ended up committing suicide on Christmas Eve. She decided to eat an entire box of chocolates which instantly put her into a diabetic shock and minutes later... killed her. Some people joke around and say it was, "death by chocolate." How long did it take you to figure out your sooo clever, huh? Others say and I agree, that she knew her time was up and wanted one last great meal before heading off to doggie heaven.

Whenever the holidays come around, we remember Nikki and her chocolate suicide. I tend to think about getting another pet. What I thought about recently was the childhood favorite: The Goldfish. If you think about it, goldfish must be the lamest, most morose pet one could own. If you are feeling depressed and want to die but do not think you can go through with it, get a goldfish... this will surely make you pull the trigger... or jump depending on your beliefs on splattering. I will now break down the life of a goldfish for you.

• Day One: Goldfish seems content in new environment and likes resting near fake coral. Goldfish is mostly pleased that it is not swimming around in a plastic bag any longer.

• Day Two: Goldfish is now extremely desperate and has insane tendencies. This is a surprise to you because you have been feeding it properly, however, Goldfish looks like he hates you as you try to feed him. As you watch it growing tired, the only movements it is making now is to eat it's own feces.

• Day Three: Goldfish has died from exhaustion and lay floating at the surface.

If you want an easy pet, try sea monkeys... at least you will not be able to see it when they die.